And thus it begins....

I haven't posted in awhile.  So much has been going on, it has been hard to find the time.

Let me start off by saying I was offered a position with a large medical practice which will require a move of about 120 miles from where I currently live.  The salary and the "fit" all seem right, so I have accepted the position with great enthusiasm.  I have spent the last few weeks preparing for this new adventure.

First there was the task of finding a place to call home.  I almost immediately stumbled upon a small community of "storybook cottages" and my soul was immediately drawn to them.  Despite looking at several other options, I just kept going back to these cottages.  Ultimately, I decided to go with what my heart and soul were telling me from the beginning and made a yellow cottage with purple trim my selection.  It has 2 bedrooms and a loft and it is the perfect size to start my new life.

Then came the daunting task of furnishing the place.  I had made the decision to not bring anything from my old life into my new life, with the exception of furniture given to me after my grandmother's death.  Simple pieces that had been in her home my entire life.  Those, I will not leave behind.  After several furniture store stops, and then circling back around to all of them once again, I decided on a living room set I had spotted my first time around.  Again, I should have saved myself time and aggravation and just gone with my gut instincts to begin with, but we have to look, don't we?  So, new living room, new mattress and box springs, new "smalls", new area rugs, new, new, new...

Now, the packing begins.  I am not taking much.  As I said, just the things I possessed prior to my marriage or bequeathed to me after my grandmother's death.  My red avon glass collection my mother gave me for my 30th birthday.  (She finally felt I was grown enough to handle the responsibility of the ownership.)  And pictures.  Pictures of my kids, of my memories, of the times when things were fun.  And my books.  It would be like leaving a part of my soul to leave my books behind.

A week left until the move.  The U-Haul is rented.  A couple good friends are helping me with the move. Before I know it, I will be there.  Starting over.  Doing it right this time.  I am promising myself to do it right this time.  Don't we owe it to ourselves?

Life is funny.   Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  But in the middle, you find yourself.

Today was productive.  Tonight will be sleep-filled.  Tomorrow, is another day to do the right things again.

Peace and love.

Humbled...just...humbled.

This morning, I find myself humbled.

Last night, before I fell into slumber, I said, "God, I just need guidance.  Send me a message."  This morning, someone had posted this link on Facebook.  It was 16 minutes long, and I almost didn't listen to it.  But, something inside me said, "you need to."  I listened.  I heard the message.  This post is short today because I want to spend the day absorbing what I have heard.  I hope this message stays with me.  I hope it helps you, as well.  The "when I haves" will eat our souls if we let them.  We already possess all that we need.  Please check out the link below.  It may just change your life.

May peace and blessings abound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT6qWghHkFI&feature=share

Being Strong and Carrying On

Well, I was strong.  Kept my promise to myself.  Didn't go see the dogs today.  And this was despite the fact I woke up to a text message from 54 which was just a picture of the sick dog.  Not sure what the meaning of that was for certain.  At any rate, I replied back with a simple, "awww," and went on with my day.

I did manage to get some housework done while my oldest son prepared me breakfast, which was a treat in itself.  But the afternoon found me listless.  The symptoms of depression linger.  I went in and laid down for what I thought would be a short nap around noon and woke up at 2:15 in the middle of dream in which I was waking up from a nap and had dropped small round chocolate candies all over the floor and was picking them up.  Not sure what that dream signifies, but it probably has something to do with the small messes in my life and my struggle to tidy them up right now.

I went out to the sunroom for a few minutes and checked facebook and saw that about 10 people liked my status I had posted before my nap. This deed must have thoroughly exhausted me, because I headed back to the bedroom, laid back on the bed, and proceeded to fall asleep again until 4.

I awoke with a start and jumped from the bed like the house was on fire.  Feeling guilty for having slept the entire afternoon away, I ran into the bathroom and jumped into the shower to fain off anymore sleepiness that may still be lingering in my body.

I recited my daily prayers while showering.  It is a habit I have become accustomed to.  I started doing this around the age of 16 and have done it ever since.  Something about the whole cleanliness is next to Godliness, maybe.  I am not really sure why I do it that way, I just do.

My OCD demands I get to a certain prayer before I am allowed to step out of the shower, and this sometimes becomes a hassle, especially if I am running late or am in a hurry for one reason or another.  I'm not really sure what it is I think will happen if I don't get to that prayer before my feet hit the floor mat.  It isn't as if my life is a dream right now anyway.  But, I did make it to said prayer, so status quo is status quo once again.

The rest of the evening was spent eating takeout Chinese and messing around on the computer.  You will quickly learn I do not watch much television.  Maybe 4 hours a week, if even.  The computer and reading are my ways to kill time inside the home.

So, now, I am heading off to bed.  It is astonishing to me I will be able to sleep after all the sleeping I have already done today.  But as I said, depression....  I know I am on the outer edge of it.  I can almost see the sunshine, so I know its end is coming.  I just have to make it through these final stages.

But, I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns today.  I did not cave.  I did not go see the dogs today.  I will not go see them tomorrow either.  I have another day under my belt.  I am learning its all about looking out the windshield, not the rearview mirror.

God bless. Sweet dreams.

You Are Not A Tree

"A leopard cannot change its spots," I said.
"True," she replied.  "But we aren't leopards, are we?  We are people.  Don't we all possess the ability to grow and change?  Isn't it unfair to suggest someone can't?"
I looked at my hands for a very long time.  "It's just so painful when you find out they don't."
"Well," she replied, "if you are not happy where you are, then leave where you are.  You are not a tree, my dear."

Thus began my journey.

This blog will be about my daily struggle with myself, my pride, my inner demons, my ego, my heart that cares too much for people who do not deserve it and not enough for those who may deserve much more, and my relentless pursuit for happiness.

I am addicted to love.  I am addicted to companionship.  I am addicted to men who cannot possibly give me any of those things due to issues of their own. I am struggling to find my way in this big world.  I am determined to do it on my own.  "I'm not a princess.  I don't need saving.  I am a Queen.  I got this shit handled."

My hope is this blog will help me to heal and in doing so, may also help someone else out there as well.

By grace, may we all be healed.